jyunjou
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Aoe-san always makes it a point to leave before Naoya wakes up, but with Naoya catch him before he leaves this time?


**fandom - Love Mode**  
 **title - jyunjou.**  
 **pairing - reiji x naoya**  
 **rating - pg-13**  
 **description – Aoe-san always makes it a point to leave before Naoya wakes up, but with Naoya catch him before he leaves this time?**

 **Disclaimer – Love Mode isn't mine, but Shimizu Yuki-sensei's.  
**

When you said  
not to say anything,  
I followed your instructions.  
I was considerate of your feelings because  
I love you.  
Continue to smile for me,  
that's all I need for you  
to comfort me  
even when  
everything else was  
falling apart.

 **jyunjou.  
By miyamoto yui  
**

Even before the dawn, I am awake. I rise before the sun can touch our room. Because of my strange sleeping schedule, it always seems like I am awake before anyone else in this city and go to sleep long after the night engulfs the blue sky into twilight.  
But some part of me doesn't want to see this fragile dream end. Whenever I see the darkness yet not penetrated by the sun, I can pretend that my time with him is long. After all, in reality, this is as much as I can give.

And over and over, I know…  
…it isn't enough.

I look at the boy who sleeps in the large bed that used to only occupy one person. It seemed so huge back then because there was nothing to hold onto. Now, he is holding onto me and I have to tear myself away into the razor-sharp coldness that cuts my skin, but no longer stings my heart.

Slowly and gently, I take his arms away and replace my body with my pillow. As long as it's mine, that is enough.

My knees are touching his hips and the light blue pajama top he had given me for Christmas touches his chest. I look down at his tranquil face and smile. Brushing his bangs away, I touch his warm forehead with mine. Then, I get up.

I've seen you do it before. Through an opening of our bedroom door, when you thought I wasn't there yet, you hugged my cigarette-scented blouse between your thin arms. In silence, you began to cry. I stepped back and just watched you before I came in.  
Or how about the time I saw you keep my dark, navy blue suit jacket around your chair as you studied for your exams? Though your face was so concentrated and you wrote furiously, you were holding onto the sleeve in between your long, white fingers.

But your requests are so minor compared to mine. Even when I ask everything of you, I still want more. And you keep on giving even though I know it's dangerous and that it's too much.

You think that after you have what you want that you'll be satisfied? No way in hell. Being human, you are inherently greedy. Being in love brings out that selfishness and selflessness.

I want you more and more. So, that's why I have to physically take myself away from you. It is a little easier to hold myself back. Because the more you give, the more I cannot let go of you.

If I leave you in small lapses of time and make you look for me, even with the misunderstandings of my silent temperament, why do I want to see you suffer a little for my sake? Is it so cruel of me to make you dependent on me so that you can't see anything else?

If I want to make you happy, why do I do this to the both of us?

I look at my reflection. I know the answer, but I dare not answer myself so that it doesn't solidify my fears into words.

As the bathroom mirror becomes blurry because of the steam, I step into the shower.

After showering and putting on my clothes, I can't help but feel a bit guilty. Being a workaholic and trying to keep up with the club and with him, my age is starting to show. I can feel that I am getting a little old.  
It becomes more apparent whenever I look at him.

Am I wasting your youth, Naoya? Will you ever become bitter for wasting your time with an old man?  
You say it's all right, but you don't know what life is yet. Even with all that you've been through, one thing is true: There is nothing certain in life. You can say all you want because there is a lot more to go through, both hitting rock bottom and walking on clouds.

I pull on my tie and then put on my dark, navy blue suit jacket. I lean down towards Naoya's defenseless face and lick his lips before kissing them. Because "I love you" is so painfully embedded inside of me, I can do nothing better than this.

Turning, Naoya smiles and continues to sleep.

And for a moment, I am comforted. Even though I know I am not a good man and what I do isn't clean, I cannot say I did not choose it any longer. Everything in life has a price and if this is what I need to pay to keep him, then I will continue to.

Even though I know I hurt you with my silence, I cannot tell you anything about how I really feel about myself, especially when it comes to you.

In the genkan, I tap my shoes on the ground and head out the door. When I lock the door, I am greeted by the brightness of the day. And I am thankful to you to have me see this day.

I don't believe in God or anything else anymore. I stopped when I gave up on life and played the survival game of just saying 'yes' to everything. That was all before I met you, Naoya.  
Now, I can enjoy an 'ordinary life', but it's so much harder to care for someone and so much easier to deal with 'life'.

"Aoe-san!"  
I turn around and without shame, he runs down the street with his white pajama top and jeans. His hair is crumpled, but his face is focused fully on mine. Still, even though I want to react, my face doesn't move.  
Naoya smiles at me as he pants and touches my right arm. He holds my hand for a moment to give me an envelope. Pulling me towards him, he cups his hand on my cheek and kisses me quickly on that empty street.

Ironically, Tokyo is the quietest on the most important day of the year…

"I love you and Happy New Year, Aoe-san," he whispers as he pulls away from me.

Tenderly, he says, "Smile. That's my favorite."

Without knowing it, I had learned to smile again. But only for you.

"Ah."  
My heart stirred and I was moved, but I couldn't say anything more. I only nodded my head as he walked towards the house while yawning.

"You…" I immediately turn away and hold the envelope in my hand.

Normally, I would have waited until I got to my office, but today, seeing how important it was, I open it as I walk towards where my driver will pick me up. But as I walk along, it becomes more and more difficult to lift my feet and walk towards my destination.

I just stop all together and look up to the multi-colored sky where the orange and yellow and red meshed together. The sun is peeking through the clouds and is about to rise above them and hit my eyes.

"I don't want to believe in anything," I firmly protest to the clear sky.

And I don't want to cry. The dryness over my eyes becomes irritating, but I continue to look up.

When the driver pulls up, I knock on the window and shake my head. "Not today. I am sorry that I did not call earlier to say that today is my day off."  
His eyes lift up in surprise, but he clears his throat immediately. "I understand, Sir," he replies and drives away.

As soon as he skids away, on this very cold, winter morning, I run towards my home. I no longer have a hometown to go back towards, but I have him. That's all I need to know.

For now, that's all I need to know.

I shut the front door quickly behind me and take off my shoes. Heading towards the bedroom, I throw my jacket and pull on my tie. As I reach the threshold, I am already unbuttoning my blouse.  
"Aoe-san?" Naoya asks sleepily as he rubs his eyes in a childish manner. "I thought you were going to work?"

As I climb onto the bed on top of him, he holds onto my open, white blouse with both of his hands. He looks at me and his eyes open widely with worry. "What happened? Did I do something wrong?"  
For the first time in my life, since Shiki went away, a tear falls from my face.

It smears onto you. "Call me, Reiji again, like you did in the letter."

I am not worthy of crying because of all the people whose tears I have had to hold in my hands because of that club and everything in my life. But you want to take all of sins away as if...

...

…giving yourself to me isn't enough.

Without waiting, he pulls on my blouse and kisses me. Then, we switch positions. Today, he sits on top of me and takes off my blouse. He kisses me over and over and though I feel ashamed about all the things I've made him do to surrender himself to me, I didn't know that he had me since the moment he looked so thoroughly into my eyes.

His warm hands run through my hair as he whispers into my ear. "Reiji…everything I said was true…"  
He licks it as I gulp, not wanting to lose myself, but I don't care anymore.

"Thank you," is all I can say and he gazes down at me and smiles while interlocking our fingers…

 _"Dear Reiji,_

 _I know how long I've been here with you, but it seems so long ago and yet it seems so fast at the same time. Even through all this, I can't say your name. It's as if I will break something if I do._  
 _But I know today that you'll be going to work even though it's a holiday. Holidays don't mean a thing, I know that very well. I just wanted to greet you Happy New Year and that I'll be waiting for your return._

 _Even though you are quiet, I know you think about a lot of things. There are a lot of things you won't say to me because you don't want me to worry. But don't you know that I worry because you don't tell me? That I_

 _want to worry about those things with you? Why can't you lean on me as I lean on you? Am I unreliable? If I am, tell me how I can overcome that for you. Please trust in me._

 _I know that you think that you aren't worthy of happiness or that you want to continue to be sad towards the world as penance. But you didn't do anything wrong. You are awesome._  
 _Hasn't anyone ever told you of how wonderful you are? You are quiet, hardworking, nice, sweet, reliable, and think about other people's feelings. You are kind and compassionate._

 _If you weren't, would your employees or friends come back to you? If you truly believed that, do you think I would voluntarily want to spend the rest of my life with you?_

 _Through it all, Reiji, you may think you are bitter towards the world, but you can still smile the way you do towards me. It is pure._  
 _Deep inside, you've seen many more things than I have, but you are still untainted._

 _That's why I love you and my favorite thing is your smile. And I will continue to enjoy you until the day we die. Even beyond that._

 _Don't worry so much. I may be a few steps behind, but I am always with you._

 _-Naoya"_

I can't say I love you because it isn't enough for someone like you, the person who let me see light.

As he sits on my lap, he holds onto me and screams. "Ah…Ah, ah…"  
And all I can whisper to him as I hold onto his lower back and the back of his sweat-drenched hair, "I can't live with or without you, Naoya."

I can't live with you because the more I want to break you, you don't mind. So I keep on pushing our limits. But I cannot bear the thought of living without you. I need you even though it seems like I don't.

No matter how well I talk, I am sorry that I am no good with words, after all.

Kissing me more fervently than before, he assures me, "I know, Reiji."

Even someone like me, can experience something like this?  
I can have someone this pure love me? Is it all right?

Shiki, is it all right?

When we lie there next to one another, we watch each other catch one another's breath. I watch you smile at me. I love that smile where even your eyes are grinning too,  
as if the world has always been this way.

I won't protest anymore…  
…I'll just thank whomever for this gift.

 **Owari.**

 **Author's note:** I love this couple. No matter how many times I read Love Mode, it always makes me think and cry. I hope that I was able to convey my feelings for them to you. Sometimes, I had to stop because all I could do was cry for this fic.

Thank you for reading!

Love,  
Yui

translation – Jyunjou - pure heart, naivete, self-sacrificing devotion

1/2/2007 1:52:22 PM / LA  
1/3/ 2007 6:52 AM / Tokyo


End file.
